Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Needing Help

I guess it's been a while since I've last posted.  I think that's because I'm not entirely sure why I still have this blog.  I once said, "If I want to say something to the world, I put it on facebook.  If I want to say something to the world, but I don't really care if anyone hears me, I put it on my blog.  If I need to say something, but I don't want anyone to hear me, I put it in my journal."  I guess that's still true. 

Yesterday I learned something about myself.  You know how at church, people will bring up stuff like pride, faith, humility, diligence, etc. and in the back of your mind you know you need to work on it, but it doesn't really hit you that you've got a problem?  So it has been stated many times that it can be hard to ask for help.  I've heard other people mention how they don't like doing it.  I noticed that I tend to try not to ask for help if I can help it.  I didn't realize that this was probably a fault within me that I need to work on too.

Yesterday I was the most frustrated than I've been in a long time.  I just got home from this great trip with my parents in Panama City, Panama, and I came home to terrible snow in Utah.  It took me forever to uncover my car from beneath the snow.  Then, as I tried to pull out to go to work, my car got stuck.  I now realize that part of that could be my fault because I'm not as skilled in driving in snow as others.  Still, it's frustrating!  I got out with my car scraper/brush and tried to pull away the snow around my tires.  It took my another while just to get out of my own driveway!

I came home after work and had to immediately go and do some Relief Society business.  I thought I would park on the street since I'd already got stuck in my driveway.  Well, I got stuck again.  Once again, I used my car scraper/brush to free my tires.  I was still late though.  I cam home so that I could change clothes before going to FHE.  I would have gone back to the driveway, but I almost got stuck just trying to drive into it, so I decided to go to the street.  This time I got stuck before I could even part my car, so I was at an awkward angle on the street, just outside the path that leads to my driveway.  This time, no matter how much I removed the snow from around my tires, I couldn't get out.  This time I was the most frustrated.  This time I was the most hopeless. 

I went inside frustrated, and decided I just needed to get ready for FHE and maybe Heavenly Father would help me.  I mentioned being stuck to one of my roommates.  When I returned outside, I saw my roommate shoveling snow around my car.  I hadn't realized we even had a shovel.  It was her garden shovel.  She helped me escape so that I could get to FHE.

Anyway, I've said a lot and I haven't even gotten to my main story and point.

So I came to FHE incredibly frustrated.  I knew that I didn't want to go home.  I would just get stuck.  And then I would get stuck getting ready for work.  I felt incredibly fearful and hopeless.  Inside I knew that maybe this was the time to ask for help.  You wanna know what?  The help I planned to ask for was to ask for a ride home.  Then I could shovel my snow, and then walk back to the church to get my car.  Oh yeah, Aubry, I'm asking for a lot!

I don't even remember why, but I ended up telling a guy in my ward my problem and how I didn't even know how to park at my own house.  I wasn't trying to ask for help, but he immediately volunteered.  He said that after FHE we could stop by his house, he'd pick up a jacket and snow shovels, and then he'd help me shovel the snow.  On top of this, he said that he liked playing in the snow.  For whatever reason, that made everything okay.  I didn't feel like a burden on him.  I didn't feel like I was asking too much.  He was willing. 

After FHE, he walked by a group of people, including our Elders' Quorum president and the guy that I have a huge crush on.  He said, "Anyone want to come play in the snow?"  The Elders' Quorum President got a cold look on his face and said, "No!"  I piped up, "In other words, help me."  I could tell that there was a bit of confusion now on the Elders' Quorum face.  He wouldn't say no to helping someone.  However, I immediately didn't want to ask for help from more people.  I immediately brushed it off saying, "It's okay."  My situation was never explained, and I didn't want to explain it.  (I felt pretty pathetic for not being able to handle myself in the snow).  The guy I have a crush on made a comment about how it was less than 10 degrees.  That stung incredibly.  I had no choice at this point.  It was either shovel snow or drive home in fear.  I felt guilty for asking even the first guy for help.  I think I just walked away sheepishly, feeling hurt. I also hurt because in not getting more help from others, I was putting more work onto the first guy who offered me help.

That first guy ended up helping me a lot.  I wish we had taken a before and after picture.  As we were finishing up, my roommate came home and parked on our street.  It's okay, though, because he helped me shovel the entire street in front of our house so there is room for two cars. 

The moral of this story is that I know the people that turned me down last night.  They would have helped me in an instant.  They are good people who care about people.  And really, I think they were turning the "playing in the snow" bit down without even realizing that it had to do with me.  There's a difference between asking someone for help when you know it would be a sacrifice or inconvenience versus asking for help from someone who doesn't seem inconvenienced at all.  It's easier to ask for a ride home than to ask for someone to help me shovel snow.  The help I needed, though, was shoveling snow.  And sometimes people are willing to be inconvenienced.  Sometimes people enjoy having the opportunity to serve, but they don't always know how to do it.  By not asking for help, we deprive them of those opportunities to serve.  It's still hard though.