Sunday, June 29, 2014

Trust

Trust is so key.  I have a lot I want to say about trust.  Actually, right now I'm just going to go to bed.  So I'm only going to say a few thoughts.

I have trust issues on both sides of the spectrum.  I both trust people too much and yet not enough.  Confused?  There's more than one spectrum.

I trust people too much.  If you tell me something, I will most likely believe you.  I believe words.  I can't tell when someone is lying - unless it is too far fetched.  I know I am not an adopted alien.

I don't trust people enough.  This one may or may not be true.  I feel like if you ask me a question, I'll answer it.  I do keep a lot hidden though.  I don't open myself up easily.  You have to ask me.  I don't trust people instantly to just open up on my own.  I don't let people in.  I don't trust that people will want to help me, etc.

There's another spectrum as well.  I don't know how to be on this spectrum.  This is the spectrum for when it comes to trusting that someone else will make the right decisions for his/her life.

Let me give you an unrelated example.  I was in a car, a truck actually.  We were driving to the movie theater.  I know the way.  The driver put on his left hand blinker when the more obvious direction to go was right.  I stayed silent.  A backseat passenger brought this up.  "Why are you going left?"  The driver admitted he didn't know and instead turned right.  Throughout the course of the night, I kept wondering why our driver chose to go certain directions or miss certain turns.  If I said anything, I always said it too late. I wanted to show trust in our driver.  He didn't know where he was going.  He didn't need trust.  He needed guidance.

So there's my question.  How do you know when someone needs trust versus guidance?  When you think someone isn't thinking properly, do you tell him/her, or do you wait it out and see if there is some hidden plan?  I'm not saying to be pushy.  I'm just wondering if I should say anything at all.  I don't want to ever say, "I told you so."  But I'd rather not find out too late that that person had actually needed to hear what I had to say.


Betrayed by a Book

Once upon a time I had a less simplified version of this conversation:

Me: What's your dog's name?
Friend: Kvothe
M: Kavoath?  That's an interesting name.  Where does it come from?
F: It comes from a book.  (Pulls book of shelf) Here read it.

And so I did.  But this books was misleading.  There was no closure at the end.  You need to continue on to book two.  So I returned book one, The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss, and got book two, The Wise Man's Fear.  I'm really enjoying book two.  Sure, there is some crude language, but I'm not perfect and I'll let imperfections slide.

I posted a quote from the book on Facebook because I really liked the quote.  Some friends commented on it, letting me know that the book is going to get pretty sexual.  I trust these friends.

So now I'm torn.  I don't like leaving a story unfinished, and I probably won't.  But I feel like the book has betrayed me.  I've spent so much time reading it.  It has soothed my anxiety and helped me deal with unpleasant things.  It's been my friend.  And now I know it's going to let me down.  I know it's silly, but I feel like I've been betrayed.  The story is soo compelling.  I don't want to loose this good feeling I have towards it, but it's too late.  I already look down on it with disdain.

Don't worry, I'm more forgiving of human beings.  Humans can change.  The book is what it is.  It can not change.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I Talk to my Hair

I am not crazy.  

I have split ends.  A normal person would probably go get a hair cut and get rid of them that way.  Then they'd treat their hair or something.  

I find a split end, I yank out that strand, and then I treat the hair like a wish bone.  I make a statement, "Does that incredibly, dreamy guy I met yesterday like me?"  I then pull the two end pieces apart.  If the right side is bigger, it means the answer is yes.  If the left side is bigger, it means the answer is no.  

Sometimes I ask questions like, "Will this amazing thing happen to me today?"  When the hair says yes, and the result is actually a no, well, you know what that means... MY HAIR IS LYING TO ME!  My hair lies, everyone.  

Sometimes I get an answer to a question that I don't like.  That's when I think to myself, "Well!  It's a good thing I don't trust my hair anyway.  Humph!"  

I am not crazy.  I promise.  

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Hiking Highs

My brother likes to call hiking, "Hiking highs."  He calls it that because you go high and look down.  Provo looks so little and insignificant from up high.  So today I went on a hike with him.  We went up Princess View.  Here, have some pictures.  I'm terrible at selfies, but I've even included one here.  So yeah.  Feel special.





Thursday, June 19, 2014

Note

I was looking at my last few posts.  After an uplifting post about how the world is mine, the next three titles are "Lies" "Being Selfish" and "Pride."  It sure looks like I'm regressing...

Pride

When I know that I am wrong, I ache to apologize.  I hate having bad feelings between me and anyone, and I hate it even worse when it's my fault.

Sometimes I know I'm right, but I still want to apologize because I don't like bad feelings.  Friendship is more important than being right.

And I'm human, so there's obviously sometimes when I don't feel the need or desire to apologize.  While this is true, it is irrelevant to the current situation.

Right now I'm torn.  I could be wrong.  I could be right.  I think the fault lies on both ends to be honest.  For all I know, there might not even be bad feelings on the other end.  I'm feeling bad, though, and so my insides are aching to apologize, aching to right any wrong that may have come from me.

There's a little voice inside of me that says, "NO!  I will not gravel!"  I honestly don't know whether this voice is good or evil.  I don't know if it's inciting pride or inciting confidence in myself.  I don't know if it's urging me towards Christ or not.

I do know that this voice is little compared to the emotions I'm feeling.  It's little, but it's powerful.  That probably doesn't make any sense.  My emotions swarm over me in a web of discomfort.  I can't help wanting to escape.  This little voice is just that, a little voice in the pit of my stomach.  It speaks, and the rest of me hears, wandering if it's true.

So I looked in the mirror and said, "I will not gravel."  Then laughed because that is such a cliche thing to do.

Moral of this post: there is none.  Seriously, how could there be a moral if I don't even know what's right or wrong?  Writing helps me get rid of emotions.  Since I've decided to listen to the voice, I need to release these bad feelings in some way.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Being Selfish

Today my co-worker told me a story of his Fathers' Day.  His wife told him they could go anywhere to eat.  He doesn't like McDonald's, but the kids do.  So he decided to "choose" McDonald's.  He said it ended up being a disaster and no one was happy.  His conclusion: sometimes being selfish ends up being better for everyone.

There's truth to that.  I don't think it's necessarily called being selfish.  I think there's a certain extent that we need to look out what is in our best interest.  There's also a certain extent that we need to look out for others.  There's a balance, just as there is a balance in everything.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Lies

This is a combination of two posts that I've wanted to write previously and some thoughts from today.

Firstly, I read a meme the other day.  It said, "Much of the pain in life comes from having a life plan that you’ve fallen in love with and when it doesn’t work out, you become angry that you now have to pursue a new life plan.  If you want to tame your inner demons, you must not become too attached to any particular life plan, and remain open to there being an even better, happier life plan."

That sounds beautiful doesn't it.  You can argue that it's true.  There's definitely truth in it.  My issue is that you do not give up joy to avoid pain.  The meme was talking about plans.  What about planning on a person... do you not attach yourself to anyone out of fear that it might not work out?  That's a good method to remaining single and alone the rest of your life.  There is power in attachment.  There is power in dreaming.  When you don't get what you want, you bet it hurts; but that doesn't mean it was wrong to dream in the first place.

We are often told to put our trust in the Lord.  Yes, I agree with that.  I also agree that we should be flexible at times.  However, I don't think that means that we stop walking and wait until we hear a voice.  We came to this earth to make choices, to love, and to understand joy by experiencing both joy and pain.  We came to decide for ourselves what we want to be.

Lie #2 came about as I pondering a relationship I wanted but will never have.  I wondered what was wrong with me.  Why was I not good enough for this person?  And then I realized the lie that I was telling myself.  I was saying I wasn't good enough.  I was saying there was something wrong with me.  A relationship that doesn't work out doesn't mean that one person is insufficient or that one person is a jerk.  It just means that something was missing, and that something doesn't necessarily have to reflect who you are.

For example, just because one guy likes tall girls does not mean you're innately flawed if you're as short as me.  It doesn't mean that he is superficial or a jerk.  It doesn't mean that you didn't try your hardest to be everything he could have wanted.  It means Mrs. Right for him is not you, which ultimately means that he is not Mr. Right for you.  (Obviously because you want a guy who will adore you at your height).

Sure, it hurts to feel rejected.  I think that thinking detrimental thoughts about yourself just makes it hurt longer.  Once you realize that the failed relationship doesn't mean you're flawed, you can get over it a lot easier.  At least, that's what I think.

On to lie #3.  So I'm doing this WOW challenge with our stake.  Really, I haven't changed my habits that much, I'm just watching what I do more.  One of the things we're supposed to do is avoid sugar in desserts and stuff.  Well, I already broke today, so in my mind I thought, "Great!  Time to binge on everything sugary I own!"  A different voice in my head said, "No, that's not a good idea."

Well, I have some 100 Grands and they were tempting.  "I'm stronger than they are," I told myself.  "I don't need them."  Then my throat got itchy and I decided that if I was going to get sick, I might as well enjoy it.  So I broke and ate a 100 Grand.

The lie was that I needed it or that I would enjoy it.  Guess what, I didn't really.  I took one bite and realized that I really didn't want it.  It wasn't satisfying me.  However, I don't like having candy in open wrappers.  So I had to finish it.

Satan tells us this lie a lot.  He tells us that we will enjoy something, or that we need it.  Then we do it, and realize that it didn't hold quite the satisfaction that we wanted.  Too late, though.  So we might as well keep doing it.  Let's make it appear like we're enjoying it.

He might be telling me a lie as we speak.  He's saying, "Aubry, you really need to read some more in your book.  Don't worry, you can.  You don't have to wake up early. No one will care if you don't go running in the morning.  Reading a book is more important."  He's pretty convincing.

Beware the lies.

Saturday, June 07, 2014

The World Is Mine

Today has been an interesting day.  I've thought a lot about who I am and where I'm going.  Originally I was gonna title this post "I've Manned Up," but there's been so much sexism on the internet lately that I decided I didn't want to add to it.  Well, I guess I just did, but whatever.  The world IS mine.

Today we had a Relief Society BBQ.  Fire intimidates me.  However, with the help of a trusted friend, WE bought coals.  WE lit the coals.  WE had a BBQ.  I could do it again if I needed to.  I am feeling really accomplished about that.

A friend of mine, a former roommate, got married today.  I am so incredibly happy for her.

Sidenote: I've been struggling awhile wanting to be married.  More than that, just wanting to be in a relationship, wanting to feel like I could be loved in that way by someone.  I see people who have been married, divorced, people who have been in multiple intimate relationships outside of marriage, and people who always seem to be in some relationship with someone at all times.  I wonder, why is it a struggle for me to be with a guy who wants to hold my hand, and I his?  Why is that alone so hard?

I don't exactly remember when it happened.  It just came on gradually I suppose.  Fairly recently I realized that I was okay where I am.  I'm okay being single.  I'm okay not having a man in my life.  There are things that I need to do on my own.  I put my trust in Heavenly Father that I would be happy and could be happy in the moment.

End side note: My friend just got married!  I am soo happy for her and excited for her!  At the reception I was surrounded by old roommates and friends.  Some are married, some are not.  I love them all!  I'm grateful that time and distance has not lessened our friendship.  Knowing that I have good friends all around me, especially in those from tonight, makes my world a better place.

As I was driving home, I had another realization.  I used to be terrified of driving.  I'm not anymore.  I would avoid the freeway at all costs.  That's not an issue anymore.  It's not a heart attack.  It's life.

I have a job that pays my expenses.  I have a place to live.  I have a car.  The world really is mine.

The bishop talked to me today.  I have a second cousin who passed away last week.  That's been a heartache in itself; but I'm still standing.  There is more I could say, but not right now.

And to wrap everything up, I'm including a picture of the note that was left for me on the bathroom sink.  I love my roommates, even if I don't know them as well as I would like.


I guess I'll have to get some other stuff done instead :)