Friday, May 30, 2014

Not a White Belt

Yesterday I had my belt test.  I am no longer a white belt.  I'm not even a yellow belt tee hee.  I think it's called 2nd yellow.  That's right.  I tested for two belts.  My instructor will allow me to double test up until I get to the point I was at over ten years ago when I took tai kwon do as a kid.

So, yeah.  I'm moving my way up!

But he's moving to New York!  Ack!  That's gonna make learning tae kwon do differently.  I'm slightly tempted to move to New York too just so that I can make sure I get my black belt.  I mean, seriously, what do I have here?  Family.  True.  Friends.  True.  I have both out there too.

My cousin told me to tell everyone that I'm moving so that I can be free from the box I feel I've put myself in.  I don't have to move, I just have to tell everyone I'm moving.

Nope, New York is too expensive.  I've got to think of a different plan.

Regardless, the point of this post is that I'M NO LONGER A WHITE BELT!  And I'm bruised all over.  Haha.  It was worth it.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

A Brief Vision

First off, my life is pretty good.  I'm not complaining.

That said, I found myself talking to Heavenly Father today and asking him a question that I am sure he gets quite often.  "Why?"

I had an odd sensation that lasted maybe a second.  It was as though he had shown me his plan for me.  I didn't actually see it, but I felt the feelings I would feel had I seen it.

My first thought was, "Wow!  That's beautiful!"  Okay, I guess I did envision something somewhat, and it was an intricate design, full of twists and turns that eventually lead to a happy state.  It's so intricate that I could not possibly see the end from the beginning or ever guess why I would need to go through certain things.

The next thought I had was of pain.  I don't think I want to go through some of that...

As I reflected on this experience, I wondered, if I knew what it would take to end happy, would I go through with it?  Would I give up now?  Would I say to Heavenly Father, "It's all right.  I don't need to be eternally happy.  I'm okay where I am now.  Please don't make me go through that."

I hope not.  In fact, I'm pretty sure as a spirit, I knew that life would be hard.  But I knew that it would all be worth it.  And I wonder if I knew that I would likely give up if I had the opportunity to avoid certain pathways of hardships.

Anyway, my life is pretty good.  The question I was asking why - it wasn't something terrible.  It was more of something I don't quite understand.  I know it will all be all right.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Cry With Me

Crying can be fun.  I thought that sounded like a fun title of a post.  No, you don't need to cry with me, unless you want to.  I like having friends.

I am always amazed when I start reading a good book that sucks me in.  All of a sudden the real world doesn't matter.  All that matters is that every spare moment I have, I spend with fantasy characters who don't exist, but who will take me on exciting adventures.

I read an article about reasons people don't recognize that they are happy.  One of the things it mentioned was to stop day dreaming.  We should live in the present and enjoy the moment.  That, perhaps, could be the hardest thing for me, especially if I find myself bored.  See, I never really find myself bored because I can always escape to a fantasy land within my mind.  Tell me to let that go...

Books aren't day dreaming.  I'm allowed to escape reality and go into a book.  Farewell friends.  I bid you adieu.  A distant land is calling me.

And then you point out that I took time to write on my blog.  It obviously isn't calling very loudly.  Sure it is.  I just really wanted to write a post called, "Cry with me," and so I did.

Sometimes it's nice to know that people will let you cry when you're sad.  You don't have to feel weak. You can just cry.  Not me, though.  I don't cry around people these days.  Mostly because I don't have to.  I can escape into my own room and no one will find me.

But don't be deceived by the title of this post or the little hints of sadness here and there.  My life is a good one.  I do think crying is fun.  I also think laughing is fun.  I'm pretty sure I laugh more often than I cry.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Thoughts

My brain says, "I need more energy.  EAT!"

My stomach says, "Slow it down, or I'll exile all the food and make sure you don't get a lick of energy."

My heart says, "Go on without me for now.  It's just a flesh wound.  I'll catch up."

The brain and stomach stare at the heart.  "What the heck is the heart talking about?" asks the brain.  "Dunno," says the stomach"

"Okay," replies the brain.  "EAT!"

"Eat yourself!" says the stomach.

And all other muscles in my body groan in agony over the work out from two days ago. No comprehensible words, just groans.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

I... can't... move.......

Have you ever had a dream where you are running, and you fall, and then you can't get up?  There's this weight pressing you down.  No matter how hard you try, you are stuck to the floor.

Welp, now I know what that feels like in real life :)

I've been a little queasy for the last several days.  You don't need to know that I threw up on Tuesday, but now you know anyway.  I thought I was getting better yesterday, so I went to work today.  And I felt nice and queasy all day.  The queasiness usually comes right after I eat.  It starts to wear off at the time that I start getting hungry again.  Convenient, right?

Well, today was my physical fitness day for tae kwon do.  I thought about telling my instructor that I could possibly throw up, but I decided against it.  You don't know how hard you can go until you try.  I decided not to eat dinner before hand.

To be honest, being sick probably has nothing to do with anything.  Not eating before hand meant I wasn't queasy, which meant I gave my all.  None of this has to do with the point of this post.

The point of this post is that when the physical fitness stuff was over, I felt dead.  Somehow I managed to get to my car, and somehow I managed to drive home.  It was what happened when I got home that frightened me.  I knew I had to get out of my car, but my arms felt to weak to push open the door.  I sat in my car for quite a bit.  I sat there, secretly hoping someone would see me in my car and help me get out.  But why would anyone ever do that?  I started crying, but eventually I did get out.  I walked in my door, down to my bedroom, and collapsed on the floor.  I have never felt exhaustion that intense.  And I lay there crying.

Obviously I eventually got up, or you wouldn't be reading this post. I... I don't know if I ever want to do that again.  Only how many more belts to my black belt?

Addendum (edited at 10:20): I probably exaggerated a bit.  I made it sound like I was motionless for forever.  I think I got in my car around 7:30 and I posted at 8:10.  If you account for driving home and other little things, my motionless time was less than a half hour.  Still, when you feel stuck, that seems like an eternity.  Also, another reason why it bothered me was because I promised to feed someone's cat and turtle this weekend.  So it was this helpless feeling of I can't get up, but I need to get up.  I wanted to stay down, but that wasn't allowed.

And now that it's been a few hours, I'll also admit that I would do it again.  Well, I'll have to.  But I'll give my all the next time too :) Even if that means a half hour or more of not being able to move.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

The Clutter in My Soul

I have a messy room.  Well, actually, right now I'm proud of my messy room.  Usually, when my room is clean, it means I have a bunch of junk piled in boxes/ bags stuffed somewhere.  I'm proud of my messy room right now because it shows how yesterday I tried to clean my life by taking that junk out of it's bag and spread it across the floor.  This way, I can deal with it.  It's easier to throw things away when I look at it longer than two seconds and realize that I really don't need it.

That said, yesterday, a friend called me.  I decided to let him help me clean my room by telling him some of my junk-like items, and letting him tell me to throw it away.

This is what he said to me.  "Your clutter in your room is a representation of the clutter in your life.  That's why demons come to you in your dreams.  It's because you're vulnerable."  Golly, thanks.

I'd like to point out, however, that the dream I told him did not have demons in it - just a very twisted individual who I think wanted to kill me.  Semantics.

So there you have it.  My life is full of demons and clutter.

The end.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

I do not Understand my Body

Warning: This post has some material less than pleasant to read - especially if you are eating.  But it has to be said and I'm pretty sure no one I know will want to hear it.  So I'm sharing it with the world... you've been warned.

I woke up this morning.  I felt fine, nothing hurting.  I feel healthy.  I thought about what I would eat for breakfast.  I'm out of milk and bread, so my usually two pieces of toast and a glass of milk was out.  I looked in my cupboard and found some cream of wheat and a pouch for chocolate milk.  It's settled.  I'll eat that.

I make my food.  I start to eat my food.  I enjoy my food.  All of a sudden my stomach goes queasy and I know that I will throw up.  I go into the bathroom and do my thing.

I come back feeling great.  So I finish my food.  And I still feel great.

What the heck!  Why did I randomly need to throw up?  I'd blame my food.  It was kind of old.  But I'm feeling just fine now.  And I ate more after I threw up than before.  What in the world is going on?

Thanks for reading.  The end.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Dear Men

Dear Men,

If you ask a girl out for a specific day, it might be helpful to also specify a time.  If 7pm comes around and the girl still has no idea what to expect, you might run into some problems.

You're welcome.

Love, Me

Story: We specified today, but not a time or what we'll do.  This morning I asked via text, "Is there a plan for tonight?"  The response, "Not a formal plan."  The conversation continues, but nothing is settled.  The guy calls when I'm at work and leaves a voicemail.  I call after work and leave him a voicemail.  Then I receive the text, "I gave blood.  Now I feel half dead."  My response: "I see. And you don't want to talk.  I'm guessing we'll they another time?"  (Stupid phone, I meant try).  His response: "Can't talk give me a few."

Sorry, I might be a jerk by posting our texting conversation on my blog, but I needed it to explain my aggravation.  If he wanted to cancel, great!  I'll go play volleyball with my ward.  Now I can't though, because it implies that we will talk in a few.  That was a half hour ago.  I'm sitting here not even sure anything's going to happen.

I should probably have sympathy for the half dead soul, but I'm too frustrated.  I don't know him well enough to know where he lives, so it's not like I could do anything for him.  All I can do is sit here and pout.  And rant to the world on my blog.

Ahem.  He just texted me. The world is good.  I'm still posting this and I hope he secretly stalks me and ends up reading it.

The end.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Relationships are Doomed to Fail

Dear Sleep,

We used to have something special.  You and me, we were inseparable.  Couches, floors, stairs, classrooms - it never mattered.  Something happened this last year.  Sometimes I feel as that same connection, but sometimes I get this impression that you're cheating on me.  I got to bed and all is well.  Then I wake up in the middle of the night, and you've abandoned me.  What happened?  Come back to me.  I miss you.

Love Always and Forever,

Me

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Crashing to the Ground

Sometimes I feel like my world is crashing around me.  I feel trapped, as though I can't get out, and my door to freedom is blocked.


Wednesday, May 07, 2014

For Our Profit and Learning

Warning: This will be kind of vague.  Also, there are a ton of thoughts roaming through my head, so it might be less than coherent.

Firstly, it's sometimes painful when you think you've guessed Heavenly Father's motives for something in your life, but you don't quite like what you think it is leading to.  I guess that means you put your trust in Heavenly Father and keep moving forward.  You have to trust that even though your plan won't work out, Heavenly Father will come up with a plan to make you even happier than you can imagine.

It's almost comical when I hear people try to convince me that Heavenly Father loves me.  I already know that.  I've known that since I was a kid.  I know he hears me.  I know he cares for me.  (I mean, come on, everyone loves me.  Of course Heavenly Father does too.)

That said, last night reminded me how much I really don't understand how much he loves me.  Being active in the church, I get used to the mindset that other people need more love and attention than me.  I have everything at my fingertips.  I have parents who love each other.  I have a testimony in Jesus Christ.  I am financially secure.  My family is healthy.  I truly am blessed.  You can overlook me and I will be just fine because I have all these blessings in my life.

But I cannot express to you that feeling of joy that knowing that Heavenly Father doesn't need to overlook me.  He doesn't need to put my needs on hold while he takes care of someone else.  It doesn't matter that I've already been blessed so much.  He is not a father who gives his child blessings so that he can put her aside to care for the other screaming child.  No, he's blessed me much, and he will continue to be right here with me.  Even when I find myself crying for no reason. He still cares and stands right next to me.

That is the feeling that I don't feel all the time; but boy does it feel good when I do feel it.

Sunday, May 04, 2014

I'm Great At Dodging

Yesterday a former roommate had a bachelorette party.  This meant that I got to hang out with some friends I haven't seen at a while.  I mentioned that I was learning TaiKwonDo.  I was asked if I was any good, to which another friend responded, "She's really great at dodging."  It was then recommended that I write a snarky dating post about that.  And so... here you go.

My instructor has mentioned that I have made some really great slips.  I, however, do not notice, because I always get hit ten times for every good slip.  I got a bruise on my forehead from my last training session.  It wasn't bright enough to show off, and I didn't want my instructor to feel bad, so this is the first time I'm mentioning it.  I notice it because I can feel it.  You wouldn't notice unless I pointed it out.

Dating.  Ugh.  Snark snark.

So Tinder has taught me something very valuable.  I have a TON of matches.  Not many want to actually talk to me, though.  The ones that do talk to me don't always turn into dates.  Things just don't really progress.  So my conclusion: I am beautiful, I just don't have a good personality.  Hahahahahahaha!

I think that has more to do with men dodging me than me dodging men.  I don't personally think I'm all that good at dodging fists, and I don't think I try to dodge men.  Do I?  It just seems to come naturally.  Haha.  I don't mean to scare men away, I just don't know how to flirt them back into my presence.  So I will work on that.

Or not.  A guy called me mean today.

Dating.  Ugh!