Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Feeling Better

You know those days when you look forward to something and then when nothing happens you feel like you've been punched in the gut? So one day my "friend" saw me in such a condition and excitedly exclaimed, "I know what will make you feel better!"

Then she sunk down adding, "Oh no, I don't know what will make you feel better. Nothing will probably make you feel better."

You know, the brownies on the stove probably won't do the trick (seeing how I just passed up cheesecake because I ate too much for dinner). The complete switch from excitement to dejection raised my spirits.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Mostly For Me

So once upon a time I wanted to sulk. After realizing that sulking wasn't helping me get my homework done, I decided to not sulk.

I can't explain how much I really loved President Uchtdorf's talk on Saturday. I feel like everyone in the world needs to hear this message.

The end.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I Am Not An Elephant

You all have heard this idea before. You chain an elephant down when it is young. It struggles and struggles and it can't move. Then when it grows up, it "knows" that it can't fight the chain, so it follows without a fight despite the fact that it is now huge and could easily overpower the small chain.

Before heading to Italy, our teachers gave us three examples of what not to be. I can't remember the third, but the second is about flees (or at least I think it was flees). You put them in a jar and they will jump and jump and hit their heads. Then eventually you will stop hearing the thunking noises. You take off the lid and see that the flees are still jumping, but they are no longer jumping high enough to get out. They are still "trying", but they've learned that if they jump too hard they will hit their heads. So they don't jump as high. And they will never leave the jar.

The second story is irrelevant. I may be a flee, but I'm not an elephant. Or at least, I'm becoming aware of the fact that I don't have to be an elephant. I'm probably a flee. Half-heartedly trying is a lot easier than doing nothing and/or hitting your head. Don't worry, I don't bite. (That would be my roommate).

Friday, September 23, 2011

Never Give Up

Usually I feel like it's not really my place to write other peoples' stories on my blog. I'm making an exception today because of my feelings behind the other person's story. (I think I may have even mentioned this story before).

So my cousin has a baby in the NICU basically meaning that baby has some real problems. I remember coming home one day, discouraged about my own problems, and I sat down to read up on people's blogs. I came across one from my cousin's wife informing us that there were a lot of problems with her pregnancy and we weren't sure that the baby would survive. Instantly my heart sank as I realized my problems were nothing in comparison. I felt the power of family bringing me into the circle of prayer as we all pleaded with our Heavenly Father for that baby's life.

Well time goes on. It gets really hard to pray for the same thing every day without turning into a vain repetition. Little Aaron was born, but the fight wasn't (isn't) over. The miracle baby goes up and down, flirting with the idea of getting sick and dying, and then deciding he really wants to live after all. The story sometimes seemed to drag on. We see more miracles, but little Aaron still seems to be in a rough spot.

These thoughts are a reflection to this post here. I can't help feeling a profound respect for my cousin and his wife. My economics professor a year ago told us, "Never give up: that's horrible advice. Know when to quit." While I think his advice is good, I don't think it applies to this circumstance right here. I love the message that my cousin and his wife are showing to their children. They are sacrificing everything they have for the possibility that their little boy can grow up. Likewise, they would sacrifice everything again for each of their children. That is the love of parents. That is the love of family. It echoes the love that our Heavenly Father has for us. He doesn't give up on us. He does whatever he can to bless us.

I thought about what the nurse told my cousin's wife about letting go. I think she's wrong. It's not the time to let go. Even though it's hard, I think my cousins are doing exactly what they should be doing. The battle for a life is battle worth fighting. If it so be that Aaron dies on his own, so be it. He is completely in Heavenly Father's hands. But if that day comes, my cousins will be able to look people in the eye and say they gave their all. They did their best. And if that day never comes, it will be a testimony that miracles do happen even when it seems impossible. "It's not over till it's over."

In our lives it's hard to know when it's time to give up. That's why I love this example. Sometimes it's okay to fight with everything we have. Sometimes it's better to not give up. Sometimes the prize is worth the journey.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A Glimmer of Hope

So whenever a professor either says something profound or funny I write it down. Unfortunately a girl borrowed my notebook so I won't be able to quote it perfectly, but my stats professor said something I needed to hear today. So it went something like this, "You don't need to come here smart. You just need to learn the material." Do you know what this means? THIS MEANS I CAN DO THIS!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Post 400 Nineveh

Post 300 was written a little over a year ago. So, this almost seems like I get my own New Year's Resolution based on my posting. Whoopty-do.

"Nineveh!" That was what my dad would say, pointing in the direction that he wanted me to go. Nineveh is the place that we are sometimes told to go, but we don't want to. Inside we know it is for a wise purpose that we go there, but something is holding us back. Oh let's be honest, when is it ever NOT fear that holds us back? Usually my dad would be pointing to my room informing me it was time to clean it. Oh, and my room is kind of a mess actually. Yikes!

Okay, in post 300 I mentioned my goal of getting my ham radio's license. Check! I guess I should now use it since I've got it though. I also said I didn't know what I'm majoring in. Now I do. We'll see if I can do it :) Goals for the next hundred posts? Graduate. I want to graduate one day. If I am not graduated by then, I need to stop posting on my blog as punishment. That's it. I'm done. Oh and I went to Nineveh and I did not get kicked out. The end.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Anxiety

Tonight is not a good night for sleeping. Now, if you knew that my alarm clock was set for 2:30 in the morning, you wouldn't be too shocked reading the time stamped at the bottom of this post. If, however, you understand that I've already been up for over an hour, then you might be a little more surprised. I tend to not sleep well when I know that I have to wake up early. I decided to be less than productive on the weekend so I have to make up for it right now. And I suppose there are other reasons causing havoc to my being and not letting me sleep.

So why am I blogging instead of doing homework? I don't know. I felt like I've had a good morning thus far. Probably the real answer is that I dread doing homework so much that the prospect of writing a blog post just sounded wonderful.

Writing has a soothing power for me. I woke up to a ton of butterflies in my stomach telling me the world was ending. You'll notice the title is "Anxiety." I feel more relaxed now than I did when I started writing this post. I guess that now explains some of the random things that I write. It's not that I think they're particularly important to share with the world, it's just a way to calm myself. And my homework still awaits. Good morning world!


Thursday, September 15, 2011

Guy Advice

Today I asked my supervisor for guy advice. She just laughed. I started with, "You know that I'm not very good at flirting." "Boy isn't that the truth," she responded. (She had seen me go through a crush earlier this year. She told me that I needed to do more or that I would lose him. Guess what, I lost him).

I'm grateful for her counsel. I ask about guys and she turns it into a discussion about me and my personality (as well as personality defects). She sees me in a way I have never thought about. Yet as she spoke I recognized the truth in her words.

So the moral of this post is that I'm slightly wiser now. Hopefully I'll have a little more confidence to put things into practice. Lookout world, there's a whole new me that is only slightly different from the last one.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

They That Be With Us

Earlier today I had the opportunity to go to the temple. I had just sat down when I heard my name. I looked up to see a young lady who I didn't recognize.

Side note: A great flaw of mine is that I tend to not remember faces very well. I'm the kind of girl who will introduce myself to a person I think I don't know, hear his/her name, and realize that I've already spoken to this person. It can be awkward sometimes.

Anyway, the fact that I didn't recognize her must have shown on my face. "Do you remember me?" she asked. "Are you a missionary?" I asked. She smiled and nodded.

Later, I saw another young lady. I thought to myself, "She could be a missionary." Sure enough, two seconds later I saw another young lady who was probably her companion. I recognized her. And she waved to me.

As I was sitting there, I thought of the many sister missionaries I have met. With some I've shared my secret crushes. With others I shared the most traumatizing moments of my life. Some I have grown close to. Others I simply have met. I bet most of them have forgotten my name and/or forgotten about me entirely. That doesn't bother me though. In that moment when we were together we shared a bond of friendship - a friendship that I needed at that time.

In my Pearl of Great Price class yesterday we talked about angels. Our professor read us a quote insinuating that our loved ones who have passed on are constantly around us. We just don't see them. I had this overwhelming feeling of love surrounding me. I thought of the scripture from 2 Kings 6:16 "Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them."

There have been things occupying my mind of late. (Honestly, when does anyone not have something on their mind of how they can improve?) I couldn't help feeling that there were tons of people alive and dead who were on my side. I have excellent roommates, honorary roommates, and friends. Beyond that I feel like I have a legion of ancestors cheering for those of us currently living. We may not know them and they may not not know us very well, but that doesn't matter. They all want us to be happy. (Could you imagine an ancient prophet hoping we failed? Of course not! They're on our side too!) So in the end, I concluded that that scripture is still true today. "Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them."

And on that note, I'm ready again to face the day.

Friday, September 09, 2011

The Power of Grapes

*I wrote this post last week but never published it. Due to some coercing from a roommate, I decided it was probably time to actually post this.*

In this world people like to ask favorite questions. What’s your favorite color? What’s your favorite book? Who’s your favorite singer? Most often I don’t really know what my favorite is. I can only answer, “White because it’s all of the colors,” or “Well the first book that comes to mind that I like is Wake Me When it’s Over by Robison Wells because it is the example of my perfect date.” (Note to reader: that was a joke.)

But guess what! I realized recently that there is something of which I do have a favorite! I have a favorite fruit! But the funny thing is, I didn’t realize until this last week that it was my favorite fruit. So I’m sorry to anyone if I ever told you my favorite fruit were apples. That is almost true, but I have been deceiving myself. My real favorite fruit are grapes.

Other than pie, if you hand me anything grape verses anything apple, I would choose the grape every time. Grape jolly rancher, grape juice, grape soda, grape skittles, grape air head, grape ice cream (okay, I’ve never seen grape ice cream but it would probably still win). One step further: if you handed me an apple or a few grapes, I would choose the grapes themselves. *Gasp*

So why do I eat more apples than grapes? That's a really good question. I'm not entirely sure how to answer that so I'm not going to.

Okay, one more reason why grapes beat out apples. It’s because grapes have the power to beat out chocolate. *Huge gasp* True. You offer me a snickers and an apple, I will choose the snickers. You offer me a snickers and some grapes, I will choose the grapes.

So now I’ve told you the key to my heart. The guy who brings me grapes instead of chocolates is the guy that…I don’t know…I mean I like chocolates too. I guess I’d look at him like he was a nerd. So take that as you will. Nerds can be very attractive.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Sometimes It Feels Good To Feel Loved

Going on with my analogy from yesterday, today I felt like I was asking for another $100. (This $100 is different from the one that's currently floating in the wind). I figure I try to obey the commandments so it was okay to ask for. Well, I really felt like I got my $100. However, I looked at my blessings and struggled with the idea of paying tithing (ie giving back to the Lord). To stay within the analogy it was almost as though I found $10 lying on the ground. I feel like I've been blessed in every way imaginable. (I may have even found a couple of those floating dollars). I know this probably doesn't make sense and some of it is kind of personal. I just feel like jumping up and down and singing... except for the fact that it is 10:21 and I would rather go to bed.

I Can Breathe

Do you remember me complaining about a book that was trying to destroy my soul from the inside out? Guess what! After all my ponderings I have finally come to the conclusion that it is the WRONG book. See, it was the book that my booklist announced, but it isn't the book we're using. If I had realized before the weekend, I could have saved $26. However, I'm not going to think of it like that. Instead I'm going to think of it as $103 that magically showed back up into my bank account.

Now if the next block they say I really did need that book, I'll cry. Maybe. Or laugh. Laughing is fun to do in these situations.

So, Mr. Blogger, please release me so that I can do my homework now that I know where I went wrong. Oh, but blogging is much more fun than doing homework. I said release me! Goodbye.

Monday, September 05, 2011

Three years ago two days ago and other thoughts

September 3, 2008 I entered the MTC. Technically speaking the mission lasted a little more than exactly 18 months. Regardless, I can start saying that I've been home for as long as I was out on my mission. Weird.

Last night I almost had a melt down. More will follow if I allow stuff like facebook and blog posts to keep me from doing homework. So right after this post I will continue in reading this horrible book that should supposedly make sense and help me be a better person. Ugh. I take that back, I'm going to read something else and THEN I'm going to read the horrible book. Anyway, details details.

This morning I read in Abraham. Abraham 2:22 reads "...the Lord said unto me: Behold, Sarai, thy wife, is a very fair woman to look upon." For some reason that verse struck something in me. Well, we know that Heavenly Father loves all of his children and surely must think they are all beautiful. Still, to have that compliment in the scriptures is really cool. I guess it made me a bit more mindful that Heavenly Father really does know us and he knows how we react to other people. He's aware that some people find others attractive and some don't.

This past week I asked something of my Father in Heaven that I will liken to $100. I needed it. I begged for it. So he gave me $200. I stared at the gift. I then took $100 and threw away the other $100. Looking back I realize my mistake. I want the rest of the money, but it's too late. I don't know if begging my Father in Heaven will work a second time. I've already shown how ungrateful I can be.

Today I got to hang out with my sister and brother. That was a lot of fun. Now I need to immerse myself in homework so that I won't think about the wasted $100.